When Someone Talks Down to You

 Great article on the news wire. Starts with an interview between Barbara Walters and Dolly Parton, and goes from there:

Nearly half a century ago, Parton did a now-famous interview with Barbara Walters, one of the most prominent journalists on television at the time. Walters asked all of the cutting questions to Parton’s face that people had been whispering behind her back: about her clothes, her figure, and even her breasts. She also pushed on Parton’s lower-class background. 

“Dolly,” she began. “Where I come from, would I have called you a hillbilly? … When I think of hillbillies, am I thinking of your kind of people?” 

“I think you probably are,” Dolly replied. “But we were very proud people, people with a lot of class. It was country class, but it was a great deal of class. And most of my people were not that educated, but they are very, very intelligent. Good common sense — horse sense, we called it.”

I call Parton’s move the “label upgrade” strategy, and it’s a way to simultaneously maintain your dignity and disarm the person who’s talking down to you.

She’s neither denying she’s a hillbilly, nor getting mad at what could easily be seen as an insult. Instead, she claims the label and revises what it means. To Walters, “hillbilly” clearly meant “backward” or “unsophisticated.” But Parton owned it and changed the meaning: Being a hillbilly was now about being proud, practical, and wise. 

Other examples where you can disarm peoples' thoughtless interview comments:

"Your awfully new to this field."

"You’re right, I am new here. That’s what allows me to see things that no one else notices anymore, and find the opportunities you might be overlooking.” 

You don't have an advanced degree."

“It’s true I don’t have an MBA. That means I’ve had to learn through experience and working directly with our customers. That’s why I feel so confident about the features they’ll want.” 

You don't know anything about engineering."

“You’re right, I don’t know anything about engineering. But neither do most of our customers. So if you can’t explain it to me, they’ll have a hard time understanding it, too.” 

"You've never worked for a large corporation before."

“It’s true I’ve never worked in a large corporation before. That means I’ve had to learn not just how to do my job, but how to get results, even if that means pitching in to help another department. That’s why I feel so strongly we can’t just blame the sales department.” 

More tactics:

1. The gentle question

Make them explain what they meant.

“What makes you say that?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Could you explain what you meant?”

This is surprisingly effective. A thoughtless comment often sounds much worse when the person has to explain it.

2. The calm observation

Point out the effect of the comment without accusing them.

“That came across a little harsh.”

“I'm not sure you realized how that sounded.”

“That was an interesting thing to say.”

Then stop talking. The silence does some of the work.

3. The humorous deflection

If the comment isn't serious enough to confront directly, humor can take the sting out of it.

Them: “You certainly don't look like you're enjoying retirement.”

You: “Well, apparently I need to work on my retirement face.”

Or:

Them: “You're eating that?”

You: “No, I'm just holding it for someone.”

A little humor lets you maintain your dignity without creating an argument.

4. The “I don't think so” response

For someone who makes a particularly insensitive remark:

“I'm going to disagree with you on that.”

“That's not how I see it.”

“I don't think that's an appropriate thing to say.”

“Let's leave that one alone.”

Short is better than a long explanation.

5. Turn the comment back into a question

Someone says something presumptuous:

“At your age, you probably don't do much anymore.”

You might say:

“What makes you think that?”

Now they're explaining their assumption, rather than you defending yourself.

6. The ultimate disarmer: silence

Sometimes the strongest response is simply:

“Hmm.”

Look at them for a second, smile slightly, and move on.

You don't have to respond to every foolish thing somebody says. Not taking the bait is often the best way to disarm someone.

A simple formula to remember

Pause → Don't react → Ask a question → Let them explain.

For example:

“That's an interesting thing to say. What do you mean?”

It's polite, but it puts the responsibility back where it belongs.