Advice For Men to Live By

 By Bruce Shawkey

Ran across this interesting booklet, authored by Walter Lamond, and published by Hallmark Cards in 2009. Great morsels of wisdom, some of which were passed on to me by my dad, others I'd wished he  had before he passed away at age 58. Here they are, with occasional commentary.

When in doubt, wear a tie.

Dad was a blue-collar worker, and seldom wore a tie, except his once-a-year appearance trip in church on Easter Sunday.

Ride in the front car of a roller coaster.

Never rode a roller coaster with Dad, but rode plenty after his passing, and always tried to get the front car.

See movies on the big screen.

Amen. The bigger the screen, the better. The price of the movie ticket and the popcorn are worth it.

Men with facial hair have something to hide.

No comment.

Be a vigorous dancer.

Dad was a decent dancer and was often told he was light on his feet despite weighing nearly 300 pounds.

Be a strong swimmer, especially in the ocean.

And if you can't swim, at least float.

Avoid gossip.

If you gossip with them, they probably gossip about you when you're not there.

Don't waste time with a fancy watch.

Sorry, but I like watches, but certainly not the $100,000 monstrosities by Richard Mille and Franck Muller and others that look like manhole covers on the wrist. I have owned watches by Longines and Nivada Grenchen that are beautiful and functional, and will last a lot longer after I'm dead.

Talent is learned. Learn to sing.

Yes, I was urged to sing by my agent, Ed Weinberger, when I became an entertainer. I was shy at first bu t eventually received more compliments on my voice rather than my keyboard ability.

Other sage advice:

Do or do not. There is no try.

Never eat the same meal twice in a row. Don’t be a mooch. Learn to sail.

The most expensive restaurant is never the best. Keep your word. Don't spend too much money on a haircut. They don't last.

Experience the serenity of traveling alone. The one true measure of a successful adventure is returning home safely. Call your mom.

Don't stare directly into a dog’s eyes. Never under any circumstances ask a woman if she is pregnant. Order dessert.

Protect your privacy, especially if you become famous. Address anyone who carries a firearm professionally as Sir or or Ma'am.

Explore the branches of your family tree. You never know what you might find. Sleep with the window open. Don't pose with booze.

You aren't done raking until you've jumped in the leaf pile. Surround yourself with smart people. Don’t be a snob.

If the teacher forgets to assign homework, keep quiet. Also, if you spot a teachers outside of school,

leave them be. Don’t ride your bike on the sidewalk.

If you've made your point, stop talking. Don't personalize your license plates. If you offer to help, don’t quit until the job is done.

Stay Busy. There is always something that could use a fresh coat of paint. Choose a window seat and enjoy the view. Twice a year, write down your goals.

Read before bed every night. Don’t throw sand or, when you're older, mud. Don’t panic.

If you're playing poker, and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you. Become an expert in something. Write letters. On paper.

Help a buddy move. Don't boast about projects in progress. Celebrate their completion. If you make a mistake, forgive yourself and move on.

Always keep a good joke handy. Don’t salt your food until you've tasted it. Don't order seafood at a steak restaurant. And occasionally order the local specialty.

Be like a duck. Remain calm on the surface, but paddle like hell underneath. Drive across the country. Don't rush. But do limit your time in California.

Chicks dig Gershwin. Learn to drive a stick shift. A wise man knows his way around a kitchen and has at least one signature dish.

Never leave a job without securing your next employment, but when it’s time to go, don't hesitate. Be nice to your sister. You are he cheerleader, confidante, and bodyguard. Always stop at a lemonade stand. Tip well.

If you're going to quote someone, get it right. Know the proper time to chew gum. It’s less often than you think. On occasion, go to the movies by yourself.

Don’t get fancy about your beer or coffee. Don’t let the ice-cream truck get away. Keep hardback copies of your favorite books. Donate the rest to a local exchange.

Be beholden to no one. Pay in cash. Remember to thank your hosts. Suck it up.

If you have to make more than one substitution, order something else. Befriend your local butcher. Be patient with airline personnel. It will pay off in better service.

An hour with your grandparents is time well spent. Don’t litter. Ever Honking your horn won't make them go faster.

Minimize talking on the telephone. Keep iced tea in the fridge. It’s healthy, cold, and cheap. No one likes a know-it-all.

Choose the correct screwdriver for the job. When in the woods, be quiet. Eat more vegetables. Takes care of the ticker.

Girls like boys who shower. If you get to thinking you are a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's dog around. Don't flatten burgers on the grill. It squeezes out all the juices.

Hold doors, pull out chairs, easy on the swears. Don't be afraid of a little sun. Follow instructions. You'll be done in half the time.

Don't be afraid to ask out the best-looking girl in the room. Buy Regular Gas. Nothing is more important than family.