Encouraging Positive Conversaion

 By Bruce Shawkey

Good article on the 'net about the art and science of great conversation. Research shows even small tweaks to our conversational style can help us feel more connected and loved.

1. Have good topics to bring up

To have a successful verbal exchange, you and your partner must have a topic. But few people give thought to this obvious fact. Consider your last dinner party: Did you spend more time thinking about what you’ll wear than what you’ll talk about once you get there? If so, you’re in good company.

Research suggests that only about 18% of us prepare topics for conversations, and more than half fear that doing so will make our talks feel forced or artificial.

But prepping topics doesn’t mean making a spreadsheet of talking points. It’s simply an insurance policy for the moments when the conversation loses steam. Research suggests that spending just 30 seconds to plan a few subjects makes conversations brighter — with fewer awkward transitions, conversation gaps, umm-ing, and uhh-ing.

“Topics we can talk about with anyone include big, abstract topics that tap into the human experience — like What have you been excited about lately?, or What can we celebrate about you?” Brooks writes. “If the weather and the meal you just ate are the bottom rungs of the conversation ladder, these topics may help you climb out of the doldrums more quickly.”

2. Dig a little deeper with your questions

Obviously, a stiff interrogation doesn’t make for a great conversation. But a conversation with no questions is just as bad. Without question, conversations risk unfolding as parallel monologues between unconnected speakers. On the other hand, when questions are explored, partners can respond and interact — enhancing learning, enjoyment, and likability.

Another nasty conversational habit is something called boomerasking — the habit of posing a question as an excuse to talk about yourself. For example, after asking you about your weekend, a boomerasker will barely let you answer before turning the spotlight back around. “That sounds cool,” they might say, feigning interest. “As for myself, I spent the weekend skydiving with Harry Styles.”

3.Levity: Lighten the vibe

Humor makes conversations fun. This doesn’t mean you need to join an improv-comedy troupe. Successful humor rarely means cracking jokes. It means maintaining a lightness and a gentle wit and offering compliments to keep everyone feeling playful, safe, and engaged.

The sparkle of levity makes us behave and think differently. Research suggests it provokes greater creativity, leading people to generate more ideas. It builds relationships and reduces stress and anxiety. It even helps people sing better — louder, more rhythmically, and more on pitch.

4. Kindness: Give them what they're looking for

Perhaps the most important ingredient in a good conversation is old-fashioned kindness. The kind conversationalist’s job, Brooks says, is to figure out what their partner needs. Whatever that is — encouragement, feedback, ideas, a good belly laugh, a sounding board, or something else — kindness means helping them get it.