Cruise Ship or Nursing Home?

 Bruce Shawkey

From a post I made in 2012 about attending a Greek Festival

In a tent of vendors, one of them offered a couple of books for sale, one of which was titled "Cruise Ship or Nursing Home: The Five Essentials of Maximized Life." The title really grabbed me, but I started perusing the pages, and basically it was the same old stuff: eat right, exercise, keep your mind active, be spiritual, blah, blah, blah. Besides, they wanted $38 for the book, no shit. It's cowritten by no fewer than five authors (all them claiming to be "doctors," but doctors of what I have no idea), and it's 138 pages long. Can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture? (Answer at the end if you can't figure it out!)

But what a great title for a book! I wonder if anyone looks at that, ponders a while, and thinks,


"Hmmm. Cruise ship or nursing home? Gee, I have to think about that one. I mean cruise ships are fun, but there's just a laugh a minute going on at your average nursing home. People in Depends sitting in wheelchairs playing Bingo. The sound of phlegmy coughing and uncontrolled flatulence reverberating through the halls night and day. One or two bodies being hauled out on stretchers daily to remind me that my days are numbered. And I hear the food is absolutely fantastic. Boy, I don't know ... this is a tough choice ..."

Answer to the quiz question: Well, I think there are many things wrong, but the obvious thing seems to be this: There's just something wrong about a book written by five supposed "doctors" who, between the lot of them, can't come up with any more than 138 pages about the five secrets to a kick-ass life. I mean, c'mon guys, between the five of you that's just shy of 28 pages apiece. I mean, wherever did you guys find the time to write this? At some drug company junket in Nassau, after the wet T-shirt contest at the pool, but before you banged those hookers from the Tiki Bar? And then they have the stones to ask $38 for this thing?

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