The 10 Most Useless Kitchen Appliances

By Bruce Shawkey

10. Blender

WHAT? I can hear the screeching now. WHO DOESN'T NEED A BLENDER? A lot of people don't need blenders. Unless you're making large batches of healthy smoothies on a daily basis or churning out daiquiris by the pool, you don't need a giant blender taking up counter or cabinet space. Join the rest of the modern world and get a far more efficient, far easier to clean and far less bulky immersion blender. That said, I confess I need a good blender (VitaMix) for my smoothies.

9. Bread Machine

Have you seen the size of those things? They're as big as a Smart Car. Instead, bake bread that doesn't require a dough hook or excessive kneading, such as beer bread, or give cookbooks such as Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day a try. Our friends swear by it. You don't need a Smart Car...er...bread machine to make your own bread at home. I confess, I did have one once. The novelty wore off quickly.

8. Rotisserie

The hell? Are you running a restaurant? Of course not. So you don't need a rotisserie anything in your house. Yes, the rotisserie chicken at Costco looks (and tastes) mouthwatering. Yes, that man from the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie infomercial -- while a poor actor -- makes a convincing pitch. But you don't need this device sucking up your counterspace. 

7. Deep Fryer

Look, fat ass: Enough of the food we eat out in the world on a daily basis is deep-fried as it is. If you're going to the trouble to cook at home, then take that extra step and cook healthy food.  What in God's name would you possibly need to deep-fry at home? Unless you're experimenting with the next deep-fried food to hit state fairs and rodeos across the land, use a cast iron skillet with some oil in it if you need to fry something up. Besides, who wants a giant vat of used oil sitting on their countertop, slowly congealing and making your house smell like a McDonald's? No one.

6. Egg Cooker

Oh, for the love God, If you can't boil eggs, then you have greater issues at hand and probably don't need to spend that $40 at Williams-Sonoma. Put that $40 to good use and take a cooking class. Step away from the egg cooker.

5. Baby Food Maker

Many mothers made baby food for their kids. That was many moons ago when ridiculous appliances like the Beaba didn't exist, which is proof in and of itself that you don't need this. Throw some pears and apples into a food processor -- bam! Instant baby food. This works with nearly every foodstuff that you can (and should) feed to infants, i.e., don't put Cheetos and Red Bull in there, Britney. Cheaper than buying a Beaba and even cheaper than buying jars of Gerber.

4. Electric Can Opener

You lazy son of a bitch. Seriously. Just because they make these doesn't mean you need to buy one. Aside from the general waste of electricity and counter space, do you know what a sissy punk you look like sticking your can of Campbell's tomato soup into one of these things? Unless you have arthritis or some other debilitating, degenerative condition that makes opening a can difficult for you, take five seconds of your time to open it yourself with a regular can opener.

3. Pasta Maker

Once again, I've pretty well established that you don't run a restaurant out of your kitchen and therefore aren't churning out dozens of bowls of pasta each night. This is another extravagant and expensive waste of space. People have made pasta for years without fancy pasta machines, which means that you can too.

2. Electric Cheese Grater

See number four.

1. Popcorn Machine

Are you one the creepy dudes in the neighborhood who's turned his basement into a "rec room" complete with beanbag chairs and olde-timey popcorn machine, inviting the kids over to watch Disney movies? Or perhaps you're that douchebag living in a stucco McMansion with a "media room" that features a lame attempt at stadium seating and red velvet curtains alongside your popcorn maker? Or maybe you just have too much money and not enough to do with it? These are the people who own popcorn machines. If you don't fall into one of these categories, pop a bag of Orville Redenbacher in the microwave -- or hell, put some Jiffy Pop on the stove -- and enjoy the fact that you are not a complete and total tool.