Bruce's Smorsasborg

 By Bruce Shawkey I am tossing my DVD of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It is the worst, not only of of the Indiana Jones movies, but all movies. Kate Capshaw is just awful. Stewie Griffin, playing the movie's character "Short Round" said it best: "Lady only here because she humping director." The director, of course, being Steven Spielberg. Her character,    Willie Scott,  screams her way through the entire picture, playing the helpless victim. This is unlike Karen Allen's character, Marion Ravenwood, in the other Indiana Jones movies, showing some backbone. To make matters worse, there are repeated scenes of the various villains in the movie whipping and beating children forced to work in the mine, looking for the last two sacred stones of some sacred totem. The film is actually banned in India for its outdated and insensitive portrayal of Indian culture. If there is one good part of the film, it is the opening dance scene, a tribute, perhaps, to th

 By Bruce Shawkey I've had many jobs over the years, some terrible, some good. But my worst was a summer job stripping furniture. There were two tanks for removing varnish and paint -- a cold tank and a hot tank. The hot tank had a lid that was raised and lowered with a block and tackle because it was so heavy. The cold tank was filled with a caustic chemical that burned if you got it on your skin and also had a lid raised and lowered with block and tackle. Then, you had to dunk the stripped piece of furniture in another tank of  muriatic  acid to stop the stripping process. All the time you were doing this, you had to wear heavy duty rubber gloves that went up to your elbows, safety goggles over your eyes, and ideally a respirator over your nose and mouth to avoid breathing in the fumes. Oh, and a rubber apron to protect your clothes from splashes and spills. Me and my buddy, Rob Ray, would do this for about six hours in the summer heat, with a break for lunch. Our boss was named

 By Bruce Shawkey I had an encountered with Loretta Swit at an International Gem and Jewelry Show outside Chicago in the 1990s. For several years, I took my wife Gwen there to pick out something for her Christmas present. Loretta, now retired from MASH, was selling her costume jewelry at the show, and she was one of the "star" vendors of the show. Anyway, we were packing up from the show, and I ran our luggage out to the car, which was parked in a ramp. Who should I encounter but Loretta Swit in the parking garage? She and a helper were waiting for the elevator. It was taking too long, and I finally offered to take her suitcase up to her car, a couple of levels up. I told her it would be my honor, because then I would have a good story to tell my friends. I carried her suitcase up to the floor her car was on, and then she took it from there. The encounter probably lasted all of 10 minutes, but it is a memory that has stuck with me through the years. She does not take part in

 By Bruce Shawkey Some time in the 1980s, I sold a watch to Albert Brooks. I was in my office on North Sherman Avenue in Madison, and the phone rang. Albert had spotted one of my watches on the Internet and wanted to purchase it. I found out later he was (and presumably is) a vintage watch collector, and perhaps a gift-giver. He told me he has a fairly large wrist, and wanted to be sure that both the watch and the bracelet were large enough so they didn't look ridiculous on his wrist. I forget what the watch was, but it wasn't very expensive, perhaps an Elgin. I didn't wish to fawn over Mr. Brooks, but memories of him go way back to his first appearance on the Ed Sullivan show where he played a bumbling ventriloquist. My favorite movie of his is Broadcast News, where he stars with William Hurt and Holly Hunter. His portrayal of Aaron Altman is both hilarious and filled with pathos as he attempts to woo Ms. Hunter, and at one point develops a case of the flop sweats when he

 By Bruce Shawkey Art Phillips was a police officer in the city of Evansville. He passed away at the young age of 46. He was a kind, hulk of a man, like a large teddy bear. He often let off speeders with a warning, if the infraction was minor, say five miles over the limit. It was easy to do, since the approach to Evansville on Highway 14 from the north was downhill, so your vehicle could easily exceed the speed limit. "I don't like to give tickets to folks who live in town," he was reported to say to speeders. Here are excerpts from his obituary: Art was born in Madison, Wisconsin, on August 21, 1962, the son of Arthur Ernest Sr. and Ruby (Cato) Phillips. He was a graduate of Evansville High School and Blackhawk Technical School in Police Science. Art married Pat Astrach on September 24, 1983, in Berlin, Wisconsin, and they just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. He was employed by Evansville as a law enforcement officer, starting part-time in 1982, and was hired

 By Bruce Shawkey I met Raymond "Skip" Henderson about 1986. He was (and is) a watch collector. He lives in New Orleans, and scours the antique shops along Royal Avenue in search of treasures. He also combs the local garage sales and flea markets. One time, he found an old lamp and lampshade. He inquired as to its origin. He was told the shade was made from human skin and was an artifact of the Nazi persecution of the Jews. It was $35, and Skip decided to buy it.  He held on to it for about a year and then decided to get rid of it. Said Skip, "I mean, you take it out of the box, man, people do not want to be in the same room as this thing." Skip sent the shade to a friend in Brooklyn, Mark Jacobson, who writes for New York magazine. Jacobson paid $6,000 to have it tested at a leading genetics laboratory. The results confirmed every ones' suspicion. It was made from human skin.   The story ends there. Skip did not wish to have the lampshade returned to him. Skip

 By Bruce Shawkey One of my and Dawn's favorite hangouts has become the Hy-Vee supermarket, located next door to our apartment. Not only do they have a great selection of groceries, but a nice cafe where you can get great breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. Even wine and beer if you would so desire. Every Thursday night for dinner, they serve a sirloin steak dinner with baked potato and vegetable for $10. You can barely make it at home for that. They have a hospitality gal who greets us every Thursday when we go there for dinner. Hy-Vee History Hy-Vee was founded in 1930 by Charles Hyde (1883-1970) and David Vredenburg (1884-1949) in Beaconsfield, Iowa, in a small brick building known as the Beaconsfield Supply Store, which is listed on the National Register of Historic Places (below right). Hy-Vee, Inc. is an employee-owned chain of supermarkets in the Midwestern and Southern United States, with more than 280 locations in Iowa, Illinois, Kansas, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, South

 Father Sereno Baiardi By Bruce Shawkey I met Father Sereno in about 1990 as a result of my interest in watches. You may think this a bit odd, but the Franciscan Mission in Burlington, Wis., received watches in lieu of cash to help with its mission of building schools, churches and housing in third-world countries. The Mission would accept darn near anything of value including books, musical instrument, jewelry, watches, even the occasional glass eye. I traveled to the mission about once a month, accompanied by my friend, Gary Small. Gary was interested in the foreign coins that were donated to the mission, along with stamps. Most of the stamps were of the cancelled-to-order (CTO) variety, which paid for the Mission's postage-due bill. The mission mailed out thousands of letters seeking donations, and those letters contained a postage-paid return envelope. Every month, Father Sereno would travel to the nearby Waterford post office and settle up the Mission's postage bill, recei

By Bruce Shawkey One of my favorite restaurants for fast food is A&W Drive-Ins. Sister Dawn and I were just at an A&W Drive this past week near Windsor, Wis. It was actually a full-service restaurant with booths and tables. We had chili dogs, onion rings and root beers in frosty mugs. We had a BOGO coupon from the Bucky Book for the chili dogs, so it was an inexpensive meal out. My memories of A&W Drive-Ins go way back to childhood at Grandma and Grandpa's house in Lodi, Wis., as there was an A&W right across the road. It was an eat-in-your car, or picnic tables or take it home place. We would order hamburgers (Papa Burgers, Mama Burgers, Baby Burgers),  French fries, and root beer. Sometimes, we would order dessert .... cones or sundaes.  I think the tab for the whole thing was less than $5. During high school, a few of my buddies and I would pile into Steve Shoman's Mustang convertible, and go to an A&W after a round of golf at Monona Golf Course (to fulfi